Friday, February 22, 2008
Dead Sexy
I've mentioned my friend [Spaghetti Western] on here before. He's in the death business, a mortician in training. The guy's a riot, he's got enough crazy stories to fill a library. Some of the best and most shockingly hilarious gems he has to share are the tidbits of morbid facts he gets from work and people at work. They tickle me black and green. He may or may not write a book about all the weird things that occur or tie into his industry sometime in the future, so I won't write him out of a possible career. I admit, I'm more than tempted to use these stories in my fiction some day.
But tonight I have to share at least one of his stories. It has to do with necrophilia. Voltaire, not the dead author, but the living musician has a song called "Dead Girls" about a necrophiliac who claims to do the nasty with the dead because they will never hurt his feelings or reject him. Not in the list is catching an STD. I doubt Voltaire would have thought to include that. He didn't need to delve that deep since it was a whimsical and darkly comic little song, and not an academic study on the topic. Besides, how many words rhyme with infection?
Confection? Affection? Didn't have any protection?
Fuck off, the question was rhetorical, try finding something that rhymes with that now...
Anyway, the story goes: A girl went to see her doctor because she was growing black stuff around her mouth. The doctor took a sample, and later on contacted the girl. He asked her to think of who she had slept with, and if any of them possibly worked in the death industry. Thing is, the black stuff was fungus. It was fungus she got from somebody who had been a necrophiliac. It grows in the bodies of the dead, and if somebody has intercourse with them, it gets onto, and possibly into his body. From there, it can spread to the person's sexual partner(s), living or dead. So I guess there are downsides to necrophilia too. So to the necrophiliac, you'll have a second reason to wear rubbers when you need to go bump in the night with the cold and stiff so you don't get the fungus, and also so that 9 months later, you don't wind up seeing a basket at your doorstep with an undead baby calling you papa.
And yes, it's safe to say that most if not all necrophiliacs are male. It's hardly heard of for females to sleep with the dead, and I imagine it would be a lot harder to pull off, especially without pulling something off the corpses, unless they want to, you know, have impromptu zombie dildos.
But hey, somebody can transcend that stereotype, some woman may break new ground, no pun intended.
And to be fair, I think more women engage in bestiality, though there are certainly cases of men doing it. My mother said that when she was a kid, growing up on a farm, her neighbour borrowed her goat for breeding, little did she know that he wanted to ram it.
See everyone in hell!
