Thursday, June 07, 2007
Crazy as Hell
To those who know even the faintest bit about me, you should know I'm crazy about craziness and crazy people. I've had so many crazy encounters that if I were to list them all, Gallowmere would become a catalog of psychiatric case studies. So for now, I'll focus on the more immediate ones which coloured my life.
Loony # 1: I work at [Pages] bookstore, as a mere clerk. I like it there, fits my personality (the sane part), I know what I'm doing when I'm there (some times), and employees get a reasonable discount. I'm a book junky, so I constantly find myself storing books away to buy myself when I'm supposed to be shelving them. As a matter of fact, I have a gi-normous stash of books stacked in the middle of the store. I constantly have to keep customers away from it because, ironically, they can't read the neon sign saying "reserved for Todd S. Gallows".
Meandering...
Anyway, there's a much greater benefit than getting an employee discount. In all honesty, all the employee discount does is allow [Book Shelves Inc.] to pay me in books instead of in real currency. The real benefit of working there is that I get to encounter some authentic loonies. And by authentic loonies, I'm not talking about Canada's dollar coin which is gaining on the embarrassingly poor American dollar. I'm talking about lunatics, nutcases, wackoes. My idea of interesting people. One of these loonies was a mentally unfortunate man who came in one day, frizzy hair, trifocal glasses, pants worn up high. His voice sounded like a dying giraffe on helium. He came up to the counter, sliding over a $47 book. A coworker of mine was serving him. He gave her a gift card. It took $10 off. When she informed him, he said, "But I give[sic] you the card!"
My coworker informed him that it only took of $10, so he had 37 left to pay.
"But I give you card!"
"Yes, but there's still money left to pay."
"Oh! I see! I see!" He slid over a few of those loonies I was talking about, the ones you buy things with. "Oooone! Twoooo! Threeee..." Then he stopped.
My coworker said again, "That's only $3, you'll have $34 to pay."
He took his loonies back, then repeated his process, "Oooone! Twoooo! Threeee..." Repeat the last three paragraphs over at least four times, and you'll get the idea of how the whole thing went. My coworker was giving me a look like "WHAT THE HELL?!" the whole time. Meanwhile, I was trying to hold my laughter in, but my efforts worked as effectively as an atomic explosion in a dwarf sized condom. Did he think things would change, or did he think he was being clever by paying $3 each time, she'd add it to the machine until the book was paid, off or maybe until she owed him money? Neither would surprise me. I haven't been able to get the man out of my head, since.
Loony #2: So tonight, I was on my way home from taking a summer/spring course at [Miskatonic] University. I was using the bus as my means of reaching home as usual. A few stops on the second bus, some kooky man came on the bus wearing a tight, bright red hat, matching shorts and a booze soaked T-shirt. He came on the bus alone. As soon as he took a seat (beside mine of all places) he came out cackling like a maniac, like somebody just told him the funniest joke in the universe. He laughed loud and hard, "Hwaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hyaa ha ha haaaaaa!" People would turn to look at him and had the same expression my coworker had the time the "One-two-three kid" made her day so delightful. Deja vu, I found myself trying hard to hold in my laughter. But this man's laughter was infectious. I'd slip every so often aware that people who may have just come on the bus would figure me for being the barmy one. I'd hold it in, then there would come an outburst, I'd try and pretend it was allergies acting up. Who knows if anyone bought it. I'm a loony magnet, and I enjoy a good laugh. I'm a laugh baby. People use the term "cry baby" for a person who cries and whines a lot, but people forget babies laugh incessantly too, and at things which could be at a person's dismay, but hardly anyone brings that up. Anyway, before I pass out, I better turn in. Stay tuned for many (many) more recountings of my Tales of Strange Encounters.
